Aka n’oatmeal. Aka porridge. Aka whatever the hell you want to call it. Back in my pre-paleo days, I used to be an oatmeal LOVER. Literally. LOVED that stuff. Wanted to marry it. Ate it every morning. Sometimes for dinner. But oatmeal did not love me. Or my blood sugar. I would spike up to ridiculously high levels after eating oatmeal. Low glycemic my ass. So sadly I had to part with it. And make this new non-blood sugar/insulin spiking paleo version. It loves me a whole lot more than those gluten-filled wheat flakes.
Here’s the thing. I use egg whites in this recipe. Yes, egg whites only. Not the yolks. Paleo people around the world are shunning me right now as they read this. NO YOLK?! Wtf is wrong with you? Don’t you know the yolk has ALL THE NUTRIENTS. Umm yes. I freaking know this everyone. Trust me, I eat PLENTY of eggs with yolks in them. Usually multiple yolks a day are had over here. But in this recipe, I just use whites. Sue me. If you want to use whole eggs, GO. FOR. IT. That is fine. I support you. But I am going to use the whites.
I have to get my eyes dilated this morning. Fun fact about me: I am actually legally blind. Just kidding. But I’m pretty sure I’m the closest thing you can be to legally blind without actually being it. My prescription is -7.5. Try to beat that everyone. I can’t even seen my own hand when it’s .5 inches from my face. My eye doctor actually told me last time that I couldn’t get the glasses I wanted because my lenses would be too thick to fit in them. So that was awesome. Getting your eyes dilated it pretty shitty if you’ve never had it done before. Basically they numb your eyes and make your pupils the size of Montana. And then they proceed to ask you if option 1 or 2 on the little screen with the different sized letters looks better 10 million times. And let’s be real, when you’re as blind as I am, all the options look pretty much the same. And then you walk outside into the sun and think you’re going to die because your pupils are so dilated. If you’re really lucky though, they give you those awesome “sunglasses” that roll up to slide behind your actual glasses. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? I hope so, because those are hot.
One time when I was in 7th grade, I had to get my eyes dilated and i forgot to bring my glasses to put on afterwards. And since you can’t put your contacts back in right away, I obviously couldn’t see. And of course my mom made me go into Kroger with her following said appointment. So basically I was following her around the store like a lost puppy, most likely holding onto her arm for guidance, trying not to trip/knock anything over. So later on that night, being the totally popular 7th grader that I was, I got a message on Instant Messenger (oh come on, you remember those days) from this 8th grader that I totally had the biggest crush in America on asking me why I ignored him when he waved to me in the grocery store that afternoon. TALK ABOUT THE WORST FREAKING DAY OF MY LIFE YOU GUYS. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But you get the point. Eye dilation is not fun.
K. Thanks for listening.
Oatmeal Minus the Oats
- 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk
- 4 egg whites (or 2 whole eggs)
- 2 tbsp flaxseed
- 1/4-1/2 banana, mashed
- 1 tsp vanilla
- cinnamon to taste
- Bring almond milk to a boil.
- Turn heat down to medium-low and mix in egg whites, stirring frequently.
- Once the mixture starts thickening, add flaxseed, banana, vanilla, and cinnamon, continuing to stir.
- Continue cooking until the egg whites are completely cooked through and the mixture has a “porridge”-like consistency (about 10 minutes).
- Top with fruit, nut butter, chocolate chips, nuts, etc.